Started last night, finished this morn

My brother and his girlfriend (and their dog) are finally actually moved out, and my mother and sister are up in Paradise for a few days to celebrate my grandma's birthday. This means that dinner tonight was just my dad and me.

Conversation covered the following topics:
-School
-Getting into schools
-Getting a job
-Studying
-Finishing school faster

I mentioned having an assignment due online at 8pm, and how I preferred having assignments due at the beginning of class so I can do them in the evening at my own pace instead of scheduling my afternoon around them.

"Couldn't you have done it yesterday or the day before?"
"I... yeah. It's just easier for me if it's due in the morning."
"You need deadlines."

Everything he says seems to come with an undercurrent of YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG and LET ME CORRECT YOU. His response to me not getting into UC Santa Cruz is thinking I should call the school, so they know how interested I am, and so I can see if they maybe still have some slots left in one of their departments. This is ridiculous and doesn't make any sense.

Further confusing the matter is the fact that he doesn't actually retain anything I tell him. He tells me almost every day that I need to set up an appointment with a counselor. My response for the past four days has been "I have one for next Thursday." He still says the same thing. Every day.

I went into college applications this year knowing I wasn't likely to get accepted anywhere, since my GE classes aren't complete. I applied to appease my parents, who think that my entire future hinges on getting accepted into a university as soon as possible. My dad has all these arguments that don't make sense and aren't actually based on anything, but he is so persistent about them. His own world-view is so narrow. He is convinced that there is a huge rift in society (his words) between people who have and haven't received a college degree. I don't know where he gets this information about "society" since he doesn't have ANY contact with anyone outside of his own family and his co-workers. If you look at my close friends and their families, you'll see a wide variety of education levels, and hey! we all get along! There is also no correlation between how happy and functional a family is and education and income level. Case in point: silent, stilted us.

That said, I do want to go to college. I crave knowledge and understanding, and the academic life appeals to me. I think that my dad sees the world as a set of dichotomies: successful/unsuccessful, progressive/regressive, educated/uneducated. He doesn't see any gray area in any of these, which is frustrating because I feel like the gray area is where I thrive. I don't hunger for affluence, but I do want to live comfortably. I care about the state of the world at large, but in a personal way, not in a political way. I am not a typical 4.0 student, but I will be educated. Occasionally, I guiltily wish that my family were less wealthy. I feel like if that were the case, after high school I would need to start supporting myself, and only I would be accountable for my actions. In the current set up, since my parents are paying for my education, I feel a need to appease them to some degree, but at the same time feel like it would be disrespectful (not just to them, but to anyone who isn't as privileged) for me to reject their help and take out a student loan or something.

On top of everything else is that when my mom isn't home, he seems so lonely. He walked by my room a few minutes ago, and saw that I was on the computer. "Whatcha doin'? Oh... Still working? I'm just watering the garden, then I think I'll get ready for bed." It had the same tone as a kid uncertainly asking an older sibling, "Wanna hang out?" My guilt and empathy always flare at moments like this, but then cool and freeze when I think of his lack of empathy. Any time we spend together is entirely on his terms, servicing his interests, and usually makes me uncomfortable. I have become the recluse of the family. I don't know that I have any other options, but feel loveless and unappreciative.